Brit Awards 2010, Earls Court

And so to the windswept hangar of Earls Court, and the 30th Anniversary Brit Awards. Except it wasn’t, because as any pedant knows the very first Brits (then mystifyingly entitled the British Record Industry Britannia Centenary Awards) occurred in 1977. No matter.

Lady Gaga cleaned up with her outlandish couture-pop, the increasingly annoying Lily Allen turned up in her underwear to win the Best British Female Solo Artist award and daringly told host Peter Kay to **** off, and Liam Gallagher oafishly threw the microphone into the audience after picking up the Brits Album of the Last 30 Years paperweight for Oasis’ (What’s The Story) Morning Glory long-player. This left good old Kasabian – winners of the British Group gong -  pleading with the audience to hand the microphone back so they could sing something. Oh, and Pixie Lott didn’t win anything despite three nominations. Hooray!

But all of them were as dust beneath the imperious boot-heels of Cheryl Cole (pictured), the Empress of Tyneside and the nation’s favourite TV celebrity, sex-goddess, agony aunt and Wronged Woman. So what if she didn’t win anything? And we don’t care if she can’t sing. Cheryl’s performance was an epic riposte to philandering husband Ashley, banned by the Missus from attending the event and shown an emphatic red card by Cheryl’s ostentatious removal of her wedding ring for the occasion. And she looked great in that white mac. Apparently the backstage staff at Earls Court were instructed not to speak to Cheryl or even look at her without permission. Magnificent! Maria Callas would be proud.