Cheryl: Access All Areas, ITV2 | TV reviews, news & interviews
Cheryl: Access All Areas, ITV2
Excruciatingly dull peek into what Cheryl Cole wants us to see of her recent tour
What is the point of this? Someone somewhere must have imagined Cheryl: Access All Areas was a passably entertaining idea yet it makes Come Dine With Me look like Kick Ass. It’s the antithesis of watchable and a complete waste of time - boringly constructed, badly filmed, jam-packed with nothing revealing, amusing or exciting from start to finish. In short, there’s more fun to be had scraping burnt cheese off your cooker.
The premise is that it’s a documentary about Cheryl Cole’s A Million Lights debut solo tour last month but the actuality is it documents only in the very loosest sense. Cameras point at nothing much, strung together by Cheryl’s talking head, an icon of say-nothing vapidity, looking like a polished porcelain dolly with Daryl-Hannah-in-Bladerunner mascara. A typical section is five minutes of her faffing about deciding whether she dares dive into the arms of her dancers, or the dilemmas raised when her dancer boyfriend Tre Holloway sprains his ankle. The idea seems to be that rather than doing something interesting to be on telly, she’s interesting because she’s on telly. But she’s not. She’s the opposite.
“I’m three dates into my solo tour,” the richest Girl Aloud announces after an ad break that features her ads for hair products, “but it’s not the only big and exciting thing that’s happening – I’m also releasing my autobiography.” This is typical dialogue, run alongside footage of her soulless stadium stage extravaganza, and a world where everyone is a banal, media-trained, light entertainment robot, hatefully designed never ever to say anything of substance.
There was one faintly interesting moment when Cheryl pointed out that getting past the paparazzi was truly hideous, and they did, indeed, seem like vermin, an even lower form of life than this programme. However, such differentiation is redundant, dull and a little disgusting, like grading human shit. There really was nothing here for sentient minds to latch onto, even as chewing gum for the eyes.
Cheryl 'in the zone' going onstage in Belfast in Cheryl: Access All Areas
Subscribe to theartsdesk.com
Thank you for continuing to read our work on theartsdesk.com. For unlimited access to every article in its entirety, including our archive of more than 10,000 pieces, we're asking for £2.95 per month or £25 per year. We feel it's a very good deal, and hope you do too.
To take an annual subscription now simply click here.
And if you're looking for that extra gift for a friend or family member, why not treat them to a theartsdesk.com gift subscription?
24 hours in the king of Pop Art's shoes
Panorama of Pop art from Alastair Sooke ahead of the Tate Modern show
Cogent narrative of the pioneering achievements of ancient Athens
Notes on an 18th-century scandal, with visuals dominating over character
Attempt to turn tweets into telly had too much to live up to
Charles Manson and the squalid underbelly of the hippie dream
Details of the Manhattan Project abound, to the exclusion of its wider implications
A bleak vision of a haunted dystopia in a brand new light entertainment show
Historian's voyage around the Himalyan prince creates disorientation
From cloakroom attendant at The Cavern club to national treasure
Pungent Victorian crime drama returns to network television
The elaborate lives and loves of the exhaustingly self-obsessed Bloomsbury Group