wed 23/04/2014

Cheryl: Access All Areas, ITV2 | TV reviews, news & interviews

Cheryl: Access All Areas, ITV2

Excruciatingly dull peek into what Cheryl Cole wants us to see of her recent tour

Cheryl expressing her excitement through the medium of dance

What is the point of this? Someone somewhere must have imagined Cheryl: Access All Areas was a passably entertaining idea yet it makes Come Dine With Me look like Kick Ass. It’s the antithesis of watchable and a complete waste of time - boringly constructed, badly filmed, jam-packed with nothing revealing, amusing or exciting from start to finish. In short, there’s more fun to be had scraping burnt cheese off your cooker.

The premise is that it’s a documentary about Cheryl Cole’s A Million Lights debut solo tour last month but the actuality is it documents only in the very loosest sense. Cameras point at nothing much, strung together by Cheryl’s talking head, an icon of say-nothing vapidity, looking like a polished porcelain dolly with Daryl-Hannah-in-Bladerunner mascara. A typical section is five minutes of her faffing about deciding whether she dares dive into the arms of her dancers, or the dilemmas raised when her dancer boyfriend Tre Holloway sprains his ankle. The idea seems to be that rather than doing something interesting to be on telly, she’s interesting because she’s on telly. But she’s not. She’s the opposite.

“I’m three dates into my solo tour,” the richest Girl Aloud announces after an ad break that features her ads for hair products, “but it’s not the only big and exciting thing that’s happening – I’m also releasing my autobiography.” This is typical dialogue, run alongside footage of her soulless stadium stage extravaganza, and a world where everyone is a banal, media-trained, light entertainment robot, hatefully designed never ever to say anything of substance.

There was one faintly interesting moment when Cheryl pointed out that getting past the paparazzi was truly hideous, and they did, indeed, seem like vermin, an even lower form of life than this programme. However, such differentiation is redundant, dull and a little disgusting, like grading human shit. There really was nothing here for sentient minds to latch onto, even as chewing gum for the eyes.

Cheryl 'in the zone' going onstage in Belfast in Cheryl: Access All Areas

The idea seems to be that rather than doing something interesting to be on telly, she’s interesting because she’s on telly

Share this article

Comments

What a nasty, thoroughly

What a nasty, thoroughly unpleasant little review. One may or may not be a fan of Ms Cole's work but nothing justifies this kind of vicious very personal abuse. This was a pleasant mildly entertaining programme. It certainly didn't justify the venom with which Mr Green attacked it. His contemptuous response to it says more about him than it does about Ms Cole and her programme! With the current spotlight on the abuse of social media by the public, professional critics should set a better example. This is not what one expects from the Arts Desk!

This review is clearly

This review is clearly someone who isn't a fan of Cheryl.. I'm not the biggest fan of Ms Cole and I found the documentary entertaining & I think Cheryl came across really well actually.

Add comment

The content of this field is kept private and will not be shown publicly.
  • Web page addresses and e-mail addresses turn into links automatically.
  • Use to create page breaks.

More information about formatting options

By submitting this form, you accept the Mollom privacy policy.

Subscribe to theartsdesk.com

Thank you for continuing to read our work on theartsdesk.com. For unlimited access to every article in its entirety, including our archive of more than 7,000 pieces, we're asking for £2.95 per month or £25 per year. We feel it's a very good deal, and hope you do too.

To take an annual subscription now simply click here.

And if you're looking for that extra gift for a friend or family member, why not treat them to a theartsdesk.com gift subscription?

Newsletter

Get a weekly digest of our critical highlights in your inbox each Thursday - free!

Simply enter your email address in the box below

View previous newsletters