Cheryl: Access All Areas, ITV2 | TV reviews, news & interviews
Cheryl: Access All Areas, ITV2
Excruciatingly dull peek into what Cheryl Cole wants us to see of her recent tour
What is the point of this? Someone somewhere must have imagined Cheryl: Access All Areas was a passably entertaining idea yet it makes Come Dine With Me look like Kick Ass. It’s the antithesis of watchable and a complete waste of time - boringly constructed, badly filmed, jam-packed with nothing revealing, amusing or exciting from start to finish. In short, there’s more fun to be had scraping burnt cheese off your cooker.
The premise is that it’s a documentary about Cheryl Cole’s A Million Lights debut solo tour last month but the actuality is it documents only in the very loosest sense. Cameras point at nothing much, strung together by Cheryl’s talking head, an icon of say-nothing vapidity, looking like a polished porcelain dolly with Daryl-Hannah-in-Bladerunner mascara. A typical section is five minutes of her faffing about deciding whether she dares dive into the arms of her dancers, or the dilemmas raised when her dancer boyfriend Tre Holloway sprains his ankle. The idea seems to be that rather than doing something interesting to be on telly, she’s interesting because she’s on telly. But she’s not. She’s the opposite.
“I’m three dates into my solo tour,” the richest Girl Aloud announces after an ad break that features her ads for hair products, “but it’s not the only big and exciting thing that’s happening – I’m also releasing my autobiography.” This is typical dialogue, run alongside footage of her soulless stadium stage extravaganza, and a world where everyone is a banal, media-trained, light entertainment robot, hatefully designed never ever to say anything of substance.
There was one faintly interesting moment when Cheryl pointed out that getting past the paparazzi was truly hideous, and they did, indeed, seem like vermin, an even lower form of life than this programme. However, such differentiation is redundant, dull and a little disgusting, like grading human shit. There really was nothing here for sentient minds to latch onto, even as chewing gum for the eyes.
Cheryl 'in the zone' going onstage in Belfast in Cheryl: Access All Areas
Subscribe to theartsdesk.com
Thank you for continuing to read our work on theartsdesk.com. For unlimited access to every article in its entirety, including our archive of more than 7,000 pieces, we're asking for £2.95 per month or £25 per year. We feel it's a very good deal, and hope you do too.
To take an annual subscription now simply click here.
And if you're looking for that extra gift for a friend or family member, why not treat them to a theartsdesk.com gift subscription?
Engaging series about portraiture in action captures subjects at a crossroads
Nick Read's long-stretch documentary on remote Russian prison life
Simon Schama campaigns and entertains, but does he explain?
ITV's historical drama is long on intrigue but short on action
Medical drama could have felt tiredly formulaic, but there's freshness in the well-worn tropes
Opening episode of Lord Sugar's business search is a corker
Batman origin story makes a promising start
A history of the Soviet space programme, and the story of one of its more unlikely participants
Maybe the post-Brody 'Homeland' might succeed after all
More tasty treats from the nicest contestants on television (this review contains spoilers)
A cult classic from the golden age of British TV drama
The universe, human life, everything: Brian Cox begins his biggest project yet